"When safety is there, but it doesn’t feel like it"

Yesterday, I shared a moment where I got unexpectedly defensive during a technical discussion.

The senior engineer I was speaking with was simply being curious—but in that moment, it didn’t feel safe.
And thankfully, the trust we had in the team helped us move through it.

But here’s something I’ve come to realise:

Even in the most supportive teams, there are moments that don’t feel psychologically safe.

Not because the environment is broken.
But because we bring our full selves to work—baggage, history, and all.

Maybe the person asking questions reminds you of someone who once tore you down.
Maybe you’re on edge from something completely unrelated.
Or maybe it’s just a day where your confidence is running low.

Even in high-trust environments, these moments happen.

And that’s why the work of maintaining safety is never done.
Especially for senior engineers and managers.

Curiosity is powerful—but without care, it can feel like interrogation.​
​Clarity is helpful—but without warmth, it can land like a directive.

Safety isn’t just a cultural trait, it’s a daily practice.
A habit of checking in.
Of noticing who’s gone quiet.
Of asking whether your curiosity might be hitting a nerve.

So if you’re in a leadership role, here’s the quiet challenge:
Don’t just create a safe space, tune into how it feels for the people in it.

Until next time,
Dermot
​The Messy Middle

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