"It sounds reasonable. So why does it shut people down?"
I came across this piece of feedback the other day: “I think the problem you’ve identified is real, but the solution you’ve offered doesn’t seem to address the root cause.” At first glance, it looks thoughtful. Balanced. Kind, even. There’s acknowledgement. There’s critique. There’s a clear point of view. But when I imagined being on the receiving end of it, I noticed the way the words subtly attached the idea to the person. You’ve identified. You’ve offered. In that moment, it’s no longer about the idea. It’s about the person. And if you’ve ever found yourself suddenly defending something you weren’t even that attached to five minutes ago, that’s probably why. Our brains are wired for self-protection. Even thoughtful feedback can feel like threat if it feels personal. Here’s the shift: “I think the problem identified seems real, but the proposed solution might not address the root cause.” Same meaning. Less heat. When we unhook the feedback from the person, we make space for them to stay open, curious, and engaged. Small word choices, especially pronouns, shape how feedback lands. If you’ve ever seen someone become defensive “for no reason,” look again. The reason might be in the words. Until next time, ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle? If someone sent this email your way and you’d like to get it direct, you can sign up here. |