"That time I felt judged for someone else’s code"
Back when we all worked in offices, I was called over to a colleague’s desk. They wanted to show me some problematic code and as they talked through it, they started saying things like: “Yeah, you don’t want to do that…” “That’s definitely something you should avoid.” It was casual, not aggressive. They were clearly thinking out loud. But something in me tightened. After a few minutes, I had to stop them and say: “You know I didn’t write this code, right?” They looked surprised. Of course they knew. They weren’t blaming me. They were just reacting to the code. But the way they were talking made me feel responsible, and judged. It wasn’t a moment of feedback. But it landed like one, because the language turned an observation into something that felt like judgment. Looking back, the conversation could’ve gone differently using the same small shift described in yesterday's email: “Yeah, we don’t want to do that" “That’s definitely something the code should avoid” Still critical. Still clear. But now the focus is on the code, not the person standing next to it. It’s not about being too sensitive. It’s about how our brains map language to identity. You means ownership. Ownership invites threat. Even when you’re not giving feedback directly to someone, the way you talk around them still matters. Small changes, like shifting from “you” to “this code”, can preserve trust while keeping standards high. Until next time, ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle? If someone sent this email your way and you’d like to get it direct, you can sign up here. |