"You’re not under attack, but your brain thinks you are"
Have you ever noticed how quickly a conversation can shift? One moment, you’re talking through a solution. The next, someone’s gone quiet. Or defensive. Or doubling down on an idea they weren’t even that attached to before. It’s easy to assume they’re being difficult. But often, what’s happening is invisible, even to them. Their brain has picked up a threat. Not a real one. A social one. There’s a model I keep coming back to for moments like this. It’s called SCARF, and it helps explain why feedback, even well-meant feedback, so often lands badly. SCARF stands for: Status – am I being respected? When any of these are threatened, even subtly, the brain reacts. You get a little spike of cortisol, your defences go up, and suddenly you’re no longer in a conversation. You’re in a power struggle. Most of the time, the threat isn’t intentional. But the impact is real. If you’ve ever been surprised by someone’s reaction to feedback, or your own, SCARF is a useful lens. It’s not a checklist. It’s a way of staying curious. Not “why are they overreacting?” but “what might feel at risk for them right now?” Until next time, ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle? If someone sent this email your way and you’d like to get it direct, you can sign up here. |