"When support feels like scrutiny"
I’ve been a Team Lead. It’s a strange middle ground. You’re close enough to the work to see the mess, but just senior enough to be asked to explain it. When a manager reaches out and asks, “Is everything okay with X? I haven’t seen much activity,” it can trigger a quiet panic. Suddenly you’re not thinking about the person they asked about, you’re thinking about yourself. Did I miss something? Are they questioning my oversight? Am I about to get blamed? It doesn’t matter that the question was probably asked with care. In the moment, it feels like scrutiny. And scrutiny, when you’re already stretched thin and trying to protect your team, can feel like mistrust. Sometimes we respond with defensiveness. We push back. We tell ourselves we’re standing up for our people. But if we’re honest, we might also be protecting our own sense of competence. It’s hard to hold the tension between shielding your team and being open to signals from outside it. Especially when those signals come from above. The longer I’ve led, the more I’ve come to see that support and scrutiny can look the same — it’s the safety of the relationship that makes the difference. When leaders reach in with genuine curiosity, not judgment, and when we trust that they’ve got our backs, we’re more likely to hear the question as care. But if safety is low, even the softest nudge can feel like a shove. The work isn’t to stop asking questions. It’s to build the kind of trust where questions don’t sound like accusations. Until next time, ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle? If someone sent this email your way and you’d like to get it direct, you can sign up here. |