“You’re picking on me.” That’s what the engineer said when their Team Lead brought up a performance issue. They weren’t being shouted at.
They weren’t being punished.
They were being offered extra support. But to them, it didn’t feel supportive.
It felt unfair.
Because nobody else was getting the same attention. This is the emotional complexity of managing humans:
We say we want tailored support.
But we also want to feel treated the same as everyone else. And when someone gets more scrutiny, especially if they’re struggling, it’s easy for it to feel like punishment, not care. But there’s another layer here.
Growth is uncomfortable.
And sometimes, when we finally face into the gap between where someone is and where they could be, the pushback is tough to take. That discomfort often shows up as defensiveness.
The engineer in this story wasn’t just reacting to perceived unfairness.
They were reacting to the pressure of change. And that’s when managers often back off.
They take the emotional hit.
They question the approach.
They worry they are being unfair. But if you can hold your nerve, gently, consistently, something shifts.
You repeat the message: “I’m here to support you.”
You create the space for someone to rise.
And more often than not, they do. Here’s the thing:
Fairness doesn’t mean treating everyone the same.
It means treating people with the same level of thoughtfulness. That might look like different things, for different people, at different times.
But the intent, and the care behind it, has to be visible. Because if your support feels like surveillance,
you won’t build trust.
You’ll build resentment. And if you abandon it at the first sign of discomfort,
you won’t build growth.
You’ll reinforce fear. Until next time,
Dermot
The Messy Middle ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle?
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