"The spiral of “Yeah, but…”"

You’ve probably seen it.
Two people locked in debate.
Each starts their sentence with: “Yeah, but…”

Back and forth, round and round.
No one listening, everyone defending.

I watched one of these conversations recently. It tipped from tense into toxic when one person finally snapped:
“Just shut up.”

That’s the moment when dialogue dies. It’s no longer about the problem, it’s about not losing ground.

The truth is, these spirals happen to all of us. It’s a human reflex: when we feel unheard, we push harder. But the harder we push, the less we hear.

As leaders, it’s our job to notice when the shift happens, when it stops being about solving and starts being about winning. That’s the moment to step in.

A “yeah, but…” loop isn’t really about the topic anymore. It’s about protecting ego. Spot the shift early, and you can stop a debate before it turns into a fight.

Think back to the last time you found yourself in a “yeah, but…” spiral. When did it stop being about the problem and start being about not losing?

Until next time,
Dermot
The Messy Middle.

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