Stopping a “yeah, but…” spiral is one thing.
But what do you do next, once the air is still crackling? Here are a few simple moves that can change the energy: - Loop for understanding.
Ask one person to explain the other’s point until both agree it’s accurate. Agreement isn’t required, just shared understanding. - Switch the frame.
Encourage “Yes, and…” instead of “Yeah, but…” It doesn’t erase disagreement; it makes room for building instead of cancelling. - Name the pattern.
Sometimes the most powerful move is simply saying, “We’re defending, not listening right now.” It makes the dynamic visible and easier to step out of. - Anchor to common ground.
Remind everyone of the shared goal: “We both want this feature to ship without hurting performance.” A shared outcome softens personal turf wars.
These techniques don’t solve the whole disagreement. But they lower the heat enough that problem-solving becomes possible again. You don’t have to end the conflict, just shift the energy. Understanding and shared goals break the loop where “winning” never will. Next time you feel a spiral starting, which technique could you try first to shift the energy back toward listening? Until next time,
Dermot
The Messy Middle. ✉️ Enjoying The Messy Middle?
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