"Helping your team stay heard without heat"

Most conversations don’t go toxic because of the topic.
They go toxic because someone feels unheard.

When that happens, defensiveness takes over.
The spiral starts. Voices rise. The “yeah, but…” loop kicks in.

As leaders, we can interrupt the pattern. But there’s something even more powerful: coaching our teams with the language to de-escalate themselves while still holding their ground.

Here are a few phrases you can offer your team to try when the temperature rises:

• “I want to make sure my point is clear, could you reflect back what you heard me say?”
• “I’m starting to feel a bit frustrated, so can we pause to make sure I’ve explained myself properly?”
• “I hear your view, and I’d like to check if mine is being understood before we move on.”
• “Can we slow down for a second? I feel like my perspective might be getting lost, and I’d like to restate it.”
• “I know we’re under pressure, but it’s important to me that this idea is at least understood, even if we decide against it.”

None of these phrases give up the point of view.
They just make sure the need to be heard is met, before frustration hardens into anger.

Coach your team to ask for understanding, not just agreement. It’s often the difference between a healthy debate and a toxic one.

When you see tension rising, how could you equip your team with language that helps them stay heard without heat?

Until next time,
Dermot
The Messy Middle.

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