"Staying with conflict when others can’t"

After last week’s email about learning through conflict, Sushant wrote back with a thoughtful question (shared with permission):

“To stay in the discomfort of conflict must be a really important skill to learn — the worry I have is that my counterpart in the conflict might not be as curious about the conflict and might let anger or self-righteousness take over.
How would you overcome that challenge and stay in the discomfort of conflict anyway?
Or is the challenge to stop being uncomfortable in the face of potential conflict?”

Such a great question, because this is where theory meets reality.

My view is that the goal isn’t to remove discomfort; it’s to stay capable inside it.
If someone gets angry, I try to acknowledge what’s happening without matching their intensity:

“I can sense that you’re frustrated.”

Then I name what’s underneath:

“It sounds like we haven’t resolved this difference yet.”

Sometimes that opens the door to explore the frustration itself, which can reveal what each of us is protecting or afraid to lose.

If the other person withdraws, I might say:

“I’m sensing you’re stepping back but maybe not agreeing.”

That leaves room for them to re-enter the conversation on their own terms.

You can’t force someone to stay curious, but you can model curiosity, and that often draws them back in.

The key is knowing the line between discomfort and distress.
Discomfort is where growth happens.
Distress is when learning stops.
It’s okay to pause and return when emotions settle.

Because staying in conflict isn’t about endurance.
It’s about keeping the connection alive long enough for understanding to emerge.

Until next time,
Dermot
​The Messy Middle

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